I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
