So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
