Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
