If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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