I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
