do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
This is my gift to your gina
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
