He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Randomize
