Cold hands, warm shart.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
