when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Send help, water and tortillas.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
