i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
