my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
