i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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