its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
