"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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