walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
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I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
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I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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