i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
