your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
