he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
