we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize