I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
