she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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