I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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