I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Randomize
