You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I will pee on everything he values.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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