I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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