When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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