Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
