me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
