Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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