she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
