my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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