so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
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Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
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My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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