apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
