I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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