just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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