1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
