Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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