Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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