I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
