(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Can you bring me the toilet please
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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