I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Randomize
