What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?