Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
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Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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