I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
