You're earring is so big in my mouth
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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