I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Randomize
