bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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