the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize
