are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
