Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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