Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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