Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
